My merits

Growing up in a different country with a different culture, I always imagined myself going to a different country, learning a new language and a new culture, so when I graduated high school in Brazil, I decided to come to America to learn new things. I believe that my ability to learn things quickly is my most valuable quality. I also have experience in management, since I worked as a purchasing manager for 5 years at my previous job, then moving on to a position in bookkeeping. Having the position as a bookkeeper was an eye opener to me since that was what helped me in making a decision on what my career would be. My comprehensive knowldege of auditing principles as well as a talent for fast learning new accounting software has proven to be one of my finest qualities. Also, I have been a boy scout leader for the past 2 years, so leadership is definitelly one of my merits. I had to become knowledgeable in many fields such as (electricity, engineering, first aid, citizenship, etc)… before I could teach the boys the necessary skills they would need in order to earn many of their badges. The strengths I believe I will bring to my undergraduate experience are my excellent leadership record and my willingness to gain and share my knowledge in the future.

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2 Responses to “My merits”

  1.   salvarez Says:

    Michelle, I’m leaving comments for your Essay 3 here. First, though, when writing your personal statement, you could use the questions the scholarship form asks in order to structure things. I would not suggest using subtitles for your personal statement though.

    ——————
    Essay 3

    Michelle, some great writing here. Some of your best. I like the photos, and I like how you grounded the analysis from different sources in your own experience. The images you selected really gave a sense of your point of view.

    You develop of very strong voice, or authority, ethos really, toward the latter half of this essay. I think this is because you’ve been thinking a lot about going to school since you spend a lot of time studying and learning about what it means to go to college. It’s fun, enjoy it, and at the same time, enjoy writing about it. If you check back on your older posts from this semester, you’ll notice you’re writing’s improved.

    Remember: always USE PIE PARAGRAPHS–they really help, and they work great for writing in any discipline.

    For most students, the end of this essay, or conclusion was the strongest. I think you should write one more paragraph to this at the conclusion making a suggestion for future researchers who may study college utopias, things you think they could focus on for discovering something important.

    For Revisions
    -–Add to conclusion
    –Check the punctuation when you write:
    According to Clark, “the conflict between open-door admission and performance of high quality often means a wide discrepancy between the hopes of entering students and the means of their realization.” (Clark 571)

    The period goes after (Clark 571).

    –I think you should include the Times link online if you can find it, because that would be helpful since you didn’t give an author. If you give the link, this might help solve some confusion. You’ll have to adjust the citation some, but it’s an electronic source if you give the web address, like citing a youtube video.

    7.7 out of 8 points

  2.   salvarez Says:

    FOR YOUR ESSAY 4

    Michele, great job, I like how you gave a quick summary of the educational history and your migration story, and tied this in to your current experience, and your motivation for achieving your goals.

    I have a few suggestions to make for this, with the hopes that it would tie things together a bit more, maybe thematically, but also with ideas between paragraphs that relate to some of your goals. First, be specific about where in Brazil you grew up, name of town or city/region.

    I like how you give the quick run-down not only on how you are a dedicated mother, but also how you work hard as an example for your children. I think you might mention how this will help you to identify with families and their accounts, and maybe how to communicate some of this information with folks who are migrants and who don’t know English so well or how the system works here. How will you use your skills to help folks who went through some of the stuff you went through? Think about how you can be a mentor not to just to your children but also to other folks who would look to you for your wisdom.

    Also make sure you highlight your bilingualism and how that will help you in your career.

    8 out of 8 points.

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